Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Seriously, Coffee Drinkers are the Coolest

I think I want to become a coffee drinker.

I am a decided tea drinker. I'm a total tea snob, drink expensive, loose leaf tea almost exclusively (it would be completely exclusive if I could afford it) and think derisive thoughts about people who don't know the difference between green tea and oolong.*

But. Coffee smells really good. And a few weeks ago I went into Big Bear Cafe and looked around at all the cool, intellectual-looking coffee drinkers. I began to fantasize about being the kind of girl that hangs out in coffee shops, sipping away at her fair trade, freshly ground coffee, hiding behind a battered copy of On the Road as I peer at it from behind my hipster glasses and cozy, hand-knitted scarf, occasionally getting into debates with fellow coffee-shop dwellers on various types of roasts. I started to get pretty excited about it.

However, I have the caffeine tolerance of a nervous gerbil. Once, while working in the scene shop in college, the head of the shop took us all out for coffee first thing in the morning, since it was a fairly light day. 16oz of coffee later and I'm crouched on top of my chair, shaking slightly and chattering at about 147537 words per minute. I pause briefly to notice everyone staring at me, looking mildly alarmed. Steve (scene shop boss man) then says, "Hoookay. Well. When we get back, I'm handing Katie a piece of sandpaper, and it is everyone's responsibility to keep her away from the power tools."

What can I say? I'm an excitable person with a zest for life and a shit ton of energy. I really don't need caffeine.

However, I gradually coaxed my body into being able to handle the low amounts of caffeine in tea, and I am determined to do the same with coffee. And don't tell me to just drink decaf. I've had that shit, and it totally doesn't taste as good. Plus, my coffee shop fantasy involves me being one of those people who wakes up in the morning and says, "My god, I simply HAVE to have coffee before I can function." It seems more legit to me.

So, I've been upping my morning cup of tea to two cups. This seems like it wouldn't be that big of a deal, and on most days, it isn't. Thing is, most days I drink two cups of tea and then power walk for about five hours. Today, I'm working from home and I am BOUNCING OFF THE WALLS. I'm trying to keep a lock down on it for Ann's sake, and I think I'm doing a decent-ish job. Under the surface, though, my little heart is pounding like a hummingbird on crack.

I don't know why my caffeine tolerance is so low. I don't really know why I am actively trying to beat my body into a caffeine addiction, when most people would kill for my alarming levels of energy. And I'm not giving up on tea. I'll still love tea forever. I guess when some people are bored, they do productive things, whereas I just search for more substances my body can become dependent on. Whatever. I'll see you at the coffee house, bitchlets.

*That's totally not true. I'm actually very nice and rarely think snobby thoughts.


  1. Coffee turns me into either the chillest person on earth or, as you describe, a stark raving lunatic hellbent on energy dispersion. I haven't mastered what controls these two effects, but someday I'd like to contain the hulk within. Either way, good luck with your dependency.

  2. Don't get hooked on coffee!! Caffeine addiction is no joke and so bad for you. Plus, unless you drink it black you are polluting your body with cream and sugar that will mess up your blood sugar levels. I LOVE coffee yet I have made sure to never allow myself to get addicted. Stick to tea - I am also a tea snob and only drink loose lease tea as well - I love learning about the healing qualities of each type. Let's talk tea sometime! PS if this post is actually a sarcastic satire that I just didn't pick up on, then...haha, good one!

    1. Oh, I'm not actually planning on becoming addicted to it. I just think coffee tastes good and might start drinking it. I am trying to up my caffeine tolerance, but only so I don't act like a cracked out gerbil every time I have a cup of coffee. We should have a tea chat though :)