Thursday, June 21, 2012

An Ode to Ann

This is my best friend Ann. Isn't she beautiful?

Just lovely.

This is how she usually looks when I see her.

Just awful.

Ann is one of the most intelligent, accomplished, hilarious and kind people I know. She is also utterly insane. Ann and I have a friendship that some might consider dysfunctional. It mostly consists of me telling her useless stories, her making terrible faces and screaming confusing threats at me, and both of us staying up til dawn a few nights a month talking on and on and on about every feeling our little hearts possess. We live together, and sometimes frequently it feels like we're married (the relationship I described is how a successful marriage thrives, yes?)

Like any marriage friendship, there are sometimes moments where one person must go off and pursue their dreams, and the other must wait quietly at home for them, trusting that aforementioned traveling dreamer will return once again. As some of you know, Ann recently abandoned me to go to publishing school at NYU for six weeks. I've been surviving this separation by talking to the cats with alarming frequency, not doing the dishes, and carrying Ann's headshot around and asking it for advice (on outfits and boys and whether or not hiding behind the dumpster for 30 minutes talking to the raccoons is "too crazy"). Originally, we had planned for me to visit her this weekend. Unfortunately, it was brought to my attention last week (by my bank account) that my broke ass really can't afford a trip to New York at this moment. To fight through my anguish and disappointment, I have decided to share a Word document I've had on my computer for awhile now. Unbeknownst to Ann, I've been keeping a list of all the bat-shit-banana-balls things she yells at me. And now, dear readers, I share it with you.

Shit Ann Yells at Me

- "Powdered milk!"
- "Cooooorigs, tiny cooooorgis, tiny coooooorgis!"
- "Sweet Sasparilla!"
- "Koala bears!"
- "Orangutans!"
- "I'm comin' to kill you, Juniper!"
- "Coooooooooookie Crisp!"
- "Coooooooourtney Cox..... Arquette."
- "Saaaaaaaasquatches!"
- "Banana hammock!"
- "Superglue!"
- "Cheeeeeeeeeeese!"
- " Coooooooookies!"
- "Maramalade!"
- "Cheesecake for Betsy, Betsy likes cheesecake, Betsy's a cow but she likes cheesecake, she likes cheesecake but she doesn't like Katie"
- "Todaaaaaaaay's the daaaaaaay of murderrrrrrrrrr!"

So. There you go. In twenty years, when Ann is the CEO of some major publishing company, New York Times best-selling author and the most famous playwright in all the land...
Remember this.


  1. D'aww, shucks, life-partner, thanks for the ode. And for putting that battery Nixon picture up on the web. And for the list of crazy things I yell. I did not in fact know that you were recording them, although that does explain why you would so frequently type away at your computer right after these incidents.

    1. Yeah, I was wondering if you had picked up on that.